{"id":22533,"date":"2023-10-21T00:00:22","date_gmt":"2023-10-21T07:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lewishowes.com\/?p=22533"},"modified":"2023-10-21T00:00:22","modified_gmt":"2023-10-21T07:00:22","slug":"brene-browns-guide-to-healing-finding-true-belonging","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lewishowes.com\/podcast\/brene-browns-guide-to-healing-finding-true-belonging\/","title":{"rendered":"Bren\u00e9 Brown’s Guide to HEALING & Finding True Belonging"},"content":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s no denying it – people are tribal animals.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even as early as the dawn of the species, humans discovered that there were definite benefits to banding together; joining forces to work toward common goals. Survival. Growth. Learning. And passing it all on.<\/span><\/p>\n

And those bonds of belonging were so deep and so strong that humans came to depend on them even long after basic group survival was no longer a concern. As such, things like loneliness, rejection, and isolation can actually harm our physical and mental wellness even at this stage of our development.<\/span><\/p>\n

So why is acceptance often such a hard thing for some of us to find…much less to give?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBelonging is being part of something bigger than yourself. But it\u2019s also the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else.\u201d – Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown.<\/span><\/p>\n

My guest on this special rewind episode of The School of Greatness<\/em> – long one of my most-requested guests, even after this appearance – has carved out a very prominent place for herself in the world of emotional well-being.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Who is Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown?<\/h3>\n

Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown studies shame.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Often, when she\u2019s on a plane and isn\u2019t in the mood for talking, this one-liner will easily shut down an unwanted conversation (or even a wanted one). Typically, we don\u2019t like to talk about shame or anything that can make us feel vulnerable. But <\/span>Dr. Brown isn\u2019t afraid to talk about shame, vulnerability, and loneliness,<\/span> because sadly, it is at the heart of humanity today. These are feelings that we all feel at some point in our lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

We don\u2019t like to talk about vulnerability, mostly because it makes us feel \u201cweak\u201d or \u201cpowerless.\u201d We feel like if we admit our fragility, we will be broken in two by the opinions of others and even ourselves. The reluctance to discuss shame has attached a stigma to a very common emotion that we all experience.<\/span><\/p>\n

In her work as a research professor at the University of Houston graduate school, Dr. Brown noticed this pattern. Many people dealt with their feelings of shame and isolation in ways that weren\u2019t really helping them to overcome them. People closed up and shut others out, which only made things worse for everyone.<\/span><\/p>\n

In 2010,<\/span> Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown was invited to give a TED Talk<\/span> about vulnerability, and even though there\u2019s no such thing as an overnight success, her message went worldwide almost immediately. Her presentation, entitled \u201cThe Power of Vulnerability,\u201d has been viewed a staggering 57 million times just between TED.com and <\/span>YouTube <\/span>alone. Her 2012 follow-up <\/span>TED talk<\/span>, \u201cListening to Shame,\u201d has also reached multiple millions of people.<\/span><\/p>\n

In the years that followed, Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown has seen an absolute explosion in terms of her reach. She\u2019s appeared with Oprah Winfrey as a Super Soul Sunday guest, been an in-demand speaker at high-ticket events, and written multiple<\/span> books<\/span> on the subjects of courage, shame, and vulnerability, including her New York Times<\/em> Bestseller <\/span>Daring Greatly.<\/span><\/i> Her <\/span>Netflix documentary,<\/span> Bren\u00e9 Brown: The Call to Courage,<\/span><\/i> has brought her message to a streaming audience. And her newest book, <\/span>Dare to Lead: Brave Work.<\/span><\/i> Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts,<\/span><\/i> was just the latest in her string of #1 New York Times<\/em> bestsellers. In March 2020, she will also be coming out with a <\/span>podcast<\/span> called Unlocking Us<\/em> which is all about unlocking who we are as human beings.<\/span><\/p>\n

So obviously, even though shame, vulnerability, and belonging aren\u2019t always the subjects we want to talk about, they are the subjects we <\/span>need<\/span><\/i> to talk about. Dr. Brown has been vital in making these conversations happen. She has long been one of my most-requested guests, even after this appearance, and I was honored for her to share her wisdom with us.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Opposite of Belonging Is Fitting In<\/h3>\n

Even if you\u2019re the most secure person on the planet, there has probably been a time when you just wanted to fit in. I remember being the youngest on these sport teams growing up and just wanting to feel like I belonged there. I wanted them to like me, feel like I mattered, and that I was \u201ccool\u201d to them. But sometimes, they\u2019d do things I didn\u2019t agree with, like bully kids or make fun of people, but I didn\u2019t say anything. Why? Because if you stand up for something, it often means you\u2019ll stand alone, and that was my biggest fear: Being alone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We all just want to belong somewhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown has a lot to say about belonging. She defines belonging as \u201cbeing part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else.\u201d In that case, belonging is actually the opposite of fitting in! Fitting in means that we are changing ourselves to make other people like us. Fitting in means that we betray ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

The minute you become who someone wants you to be, to fit in and make sure people like you, is the moment you no longer belong anywhere<\/span><\/p>\n

Have you ever felt like a social chameleon? Always changing your colors depending on what environment you\u2019re in?<\/span><\/p>\n

Yeah, me too.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a bad thing to be adaptable, though. It\u2019s great to make people feel comfortable talking to you and to notice their specific needs so that you can adjust to meet them! But if your only purpose in adapting is to make sure that people like you – that\u2019s when you betray yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Raising Kids Who Know How to Ask for Help<\/h3>\n

Becoming secure in who you are is difficult for anyone, but kids have it especially hard. Often, they\u2019re told who to be and who to become, and this pressure can have devastating consequences.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In this episode,<\/span> Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown <\/span>shares some of her own childhood stories. She came from what she calls a \u201clock-and-load\u201d<\/span> family.<\/span> They were taught to outrun vulnerability – if they were feeling sad or angry, all they needed to do was \u201csuck it up\u201d and move on. This is what both her parents were raised in and so what else would they know to pass down to their kids? It\u2019s a vicious cycle of trying to ignore weaknesses.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In order to break this cycle, we need to learn to be changeable. In all the conversations she\u2019s had with parents, Dr. Brown says the hardest ones are with the parents who refuse to grow and change. They see anything that a child is trying to do differently as criticism of what they did as parents.<\/span><\/p>\n

But most parents aren\u2019t trying to shame their children intentionally. In fact, Dr. Brown believes that \u201c99.9% of parents are truly waking up every day and doing the very best they can with what they have.\u201d It\u2019s just that embracing vulnerability and confronting shame are so taboo in our culture that breaking that mold is difficult and uncomfortable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere are only two kinds of kids you raise,\u201d she says. \u201cKids who will ask for help when they need it, or kids who won't. That's as good as it gets – to raise a kid who will ask for help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I never asked for help as a kid. Thankfully, I\u2019m learning how to ask for help as a man.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Men, Vulnerability, and Courage<\/h3>\n

If there\u2019s anyone who doesn\u2019t like to be vulnerable, it\u2019s men.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember when I was in third or fourth grade, I was picked last in a co-ed dodgeball match on the playground. So as a boy trying to fit in, it was devastating. And I told myself in that moment, \u201cI will never again be picked last in any sport.\u201d I became a dodgeball machine that day, and honestly for the rest of my life. I was an All-American in two sports, I broke world records, I played professional football, and now I play on the USA Handball team.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Being chosen last that day helped me to achieve many things, but it left me feeling very unfulfilled every time I achieved them. Any time my team lost a game, it was like an attack on my life. Because if I didn't win, that meant no one was gonna accept me, or I wasn't good enough, or I was gonna be picked last.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As a boy growing up, I was never given any information about how to connect or how to communicate feelings and feel like it was okay to do so. I didn\u2019t know I was allowed to. I didn\u2019t know that it was okay for a man to be vulnerable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. Brown has had a lot of men ask her to speak at different conferences for their organizations, but they rarely want her to speak about \u201cvulnerability and shame.\u201d In fact, they specifically ask her not to.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Men want to hear about courage. They want to hear about how they can be braver and better.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what is courage, really? Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown thinks that courage is vulnerability.<\/span><\/p>\n

Think about it: What situation that ever involved courage did not also involve uncertainty, fear, and emotional exposure? Is it really courage if there\u2019s no risk at all? It doesn\u2019t take much courage to cross a tiny creek, but it takes immense courage to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. See the difference?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Vulnerability is not knowing the outcome but doing it anyway because it's the brave thing to do. Dr. Brown explains that the greatest \u201cshame trigger\u201d for men is to be perceived as weak, and in our culture, we believe that vulnerability is weakness. Suddenly, it's shameful to be vulnerable. And men usually do one of two things in the face of shame: We\u2019re either pissed off or we shut down entirely.<\/span><\/p>\n

I asked Dr. Brown that if somehow she could speak to all the men in the world at once, what would she say? Her answer will shake you in the best way possible:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVulnerability is not weakness, it's about the willingness to show up and be seen, when you can't control the outcome, and it is actually our greatest measure of courage. So, show up, in an authentic way and let us see your hearts because we know how lonely you actually are.\u201d – Br\u00e9ne Brown<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think anyone can say it better than that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Why You Should Listen Right Now<\/h3>\n

This interview with Dr. Brown was life-changing for me. It was, at its very core, vulnerable, but that is what made it so powerful.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re struggling with feelings of shame – whether you can\u2019t forgive yourself from something that happened in the past or you\u2019re afraid to show any weakness whatsoever – this episode is for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For 25 years I held on to the shame of being sexually abused by a man I didn't know. And I was sure that if anyone knew that about me, my life would be over. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and abused. I finally had the courage to share my story, and it took me a couple of years to share it over and over many, many times, but now I don\u2019t feel ashamed anymore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown says that we have two choices when it comes to shame:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You own your story, and you get to write the ending.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. You don\u2019t own your story, and your story owns you.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u201cShame can\u2019t survive being spoken,\u201d she says. When dealing with shame, try talking to yourself like you\u2019re talking to someone you love because \u201c<\/span>shame can\u2019t survive empathy<\/span>.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    The truth is, we may never be able to rid ourselves completely from a shameful experience, but we can develop a resilience to shame. If you want to take that first step, I invite you to listen to this episode and learn from the expert on <\/span>shame herself, Dr. Bren\u00e9 Brown<\/span>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    Be hopeful. You are loved.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    To greatness,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \"Lewis<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    There\u2019s no denying it – people are tribal animals. Even as early as the dawn of the species, humans discovered that there were definite benefits to banding together; joining forces to work toward common goals. Survival. Growth. Learning. And passing it all on. And those bonds of belonging were so deep and so strong that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":6933,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[892,286],"tags":[451,893,747,439,301,694,865,261,1791,477,1829],"class_list":["post-22533","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all-time-favorites","category-podcast","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-featured","tag-love","tag-masculinity","tag-mindset","tag-pain","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-shame","tag-vulnerability","tag-worth"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nBren\u00e9 Brown's Guide to HEALING & Finding True Belonging<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"NYT bestselling author and shame researcher Brene Brown shares how men & women can bravely create belonging and overcome shame.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, 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